The “returns and exchanges” line was moving slowly and my patience was running thin. A familiar voice from behind me asked, “What’s wrong, Moose, didn’t Omar the Tentmaker make your new Christmas jammies large enough?”

I turned around to see my irascible buddy, Ebenezeer Griper, and his trademark sneer.

“Actually, Eb, my new panty hose don’t fit.”

Eb looked as though he was going to be ill. “You’ve got a sick sense of humor, you know that?”

“Know it? I’m proud of it.”

Eb shivered and changed the subject. “So I suppose you and the missus are planning a big party for New Year’s Eve, right?

“Wrong! You’re looking at someone who should have been named ‘Most Likely to Bore’ in high school. How about you and Hilda? Big plans for New Year’s Eve?”

“Same as last year,” Eb replied.

“And what was that?”

“Watched a John Wayne movie.”

“Does Hilda like John Wayne movies?”

“I have no idea.”

“So what did Hilda do last New Year’s Eve?”

“I have no idea.”

Too many of my conversations with Eb have gone this direction but I persevered.

“So, have you and Hilda ever celebrated New Year’s Eve together?”

“Well, of course, Stupid. What do you think I am, a dope?”

I resisted a smart aleck response. “So, when was the last time you and Hilda celebrated New Year’s Eve together?”

“Oh, not so long ago,” Eb replied earnestly. “I’d say it must have been in ’62 or ’63.”

“Eb, that’s nearly 60 years ago!” I protested. “What did you do to celebrate?”

“Close as I can remember we went to Des Moines and had supper at a place called Bud’s Gas and Eats.”

“So did you go to a movie or go dancing afterward?”

“At the prices they were charging? Besides, the food gave us gas.”

“You mean all you did to celebrate New Year’s Eve was eat at a greasy spoon?”

“Well, no, we drove around town and looked at cars and trucks at all the car lots.”

“That’s it? All you did was look at cars and trucks?”

“Of course not, dummy! On the way home we stopped at implement lots along the way and looked at tractors.”

“So when did you abandon this hedonistic lifestyle?”

“Well, the next year I offered to take Hilda back to Des Moines but she said she’d rather stay home.”

“Go figure,” I mumbled.

“Figure what?”

“Never mind, Eb. But I do think you ought to take Hilda somewhere nice on New Year’s Eve. You might be surprised what a little romance might precipitate!”

“Sickened maybe, but not surprised.”

“Come on, Eb. Go home and tell Hilda you’re taking her on a date on New Year’s Eve.”

“I wonder if Bud’s is still open?” Eb mumbled.

“Loosen up a little, Eb. Go somewhere that at least has a sign on the door that says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.'”

It seemed as though Eb was actually listening so I kept pushing. “And, Eb, at the stroke of midnight be sure Hilda gets kissed.”

“Who do I pay to do that?”

I shook my head with resignation. It was then I noticed a package under his arm and asked, “By the way, what are you returning?”

Eb blushed a bit and stammered, “Well… uh… these silk boxers Hilda gave me didn’t fit.”