Welcome to the Diet Club. This is the comedy club for people who feel the need to diet but would rather laugh about it.

The season of excess calories is upon use. All those high-calorie holiday foods and sitting around watching TV during the cold weather will take their toll. Soon it will feel like the laundry water has been shrinking those shirts. But, what the heck, we can always go to the Diet Club!

I have to tell you, the recent weather has already cut my exercising down to zip and I’m thick and tired of it. But, it’s all my own fault — even before the holidays have begun I have been exceeding the feed limit.

This time of year I shy away from scales. I don’t need another reminder of the inevitable. Last week, however, I spotted one of those coin-operated, computerized scales. Being a nut for this kind of gadget, I couldn’t resist. I stepped on the scale and dropped in a quarter. After a few seconds and some blips and beeps it pumped out a little slip of paper which read, “You are handsome, debonair and wealthy.” It had my weight wrong too.

This dieting thing really is a problem for me. I mean, why starve to death to live longer? During my last diet the first thing I lost was my temper and all I lost after that was my sense of humor.

When I diet I hate to go out to eat. The toughest part of dieting isn’t watching what you eat, it’s watching what others eat.

Doctors haven’t been able to help me much with weight loss. When one doctor told me I was overweight I asked for a second opinion. He said, “Okay, you’re not good-looking!”

One of those television talk shows did a program on dieting recently. A diet guru on the show said that you know it’s time to diet when someone criticizes you and all you can do is turn the other chin.

There are so many different diets out there, I just don’t know which one to try anymore. I read about one diet that seems pretty simple — you eat all you want of anything you don’t like.

I also read about a new diet consisting only of onion sandwiches. You won’t lose much weight but your friends will think you look much smaller from a distance.

Of course there are all sorts of commercial diet powders and beverages available. How do you think that stuff would taste in a DQ Blizzard?

A friend of mine tried a diet of coconuts and bananas. He didn’t lose any weight but you ought to see him climb a tree!

There’s a new raw diet gaining popularity on the West Coast. You eat your breakfast raw and you eat your lunch raw. Then for dinner you put on some clothes.

Have you heard about Dr. Jones’ Vegetable Diet? The doctor claims if you eat strictly vegetables for 95 years, you won’t die young.

In the city there are all sorts of weight loss centers where, for a fee, they will help you lose weight. I can’t imagine paying someone to tell me not to eat ice cream!

I’ve never visited any of those weight loss centers, but I read about one that sounds interesting. A 1940s radio drama star has opened a reducing salon called “Thinner Sanctum.” I also heard of a weight loss center where they help you lose weight through meditation and visualization. It’s called “Wishful Shrinking.”

A good exercise regimen is important when you’re trying to lose weight. Walking is an excellent way to burn up calories. My walking route is 2.2 miles — 1.1 mile to the ice cream store and 1.1 mile back home. Running, tennis and even horseback riding are good exercise too. I tried horseback riding for a few weeks and took off 10 pounds … from the horse.

In only five months spring will return and we can begin working in our yards again. The fresh air and exercise from yard work, putting in a garden and working on the house will take our minds off diets and maybe even help take off a few of the pounds we will have collected over the winter. I surely hope so.

Well, folks, thank you for visiting the Diet Club. Remember: The waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Arvid Huisman can be contacted at huismaniowa@gmail.com. ©2024 by Huisman Communications.