We non-smokers are tickled that most restaurants are now smoke-free. No longer do restaurant hostesses ask, “Smoking or non-smoking?”

At the risk creating work for the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), I’d like to propose some other “zoning” in public eating places.

How about a Cell Phone Zone in a restaurant where the folks who can’t speak quietly on their cell phones can be seated. Admittedly, I tend to speak loudly on the phone myself but I try hard to crank it down in a public place. In fact, I try to avoid making/taking calls in a restaurant altogether. Maybe the Cell Phone Buffoons think we’re all interested in their business. Wrong.

I’d also like to see a Bad Parenting Zone. Most parents of young children do a nice job of controlling their little ones in a restaurant. Some parents, however, have no control over their children and when they visit a restaurant with their kids the rest of us get to enjoy their ineptitude. Screaming, crying, sassing, running around the restaurant, throwing food — these tykes behave like ill-mannered little chimpanzees. I don’t get nearly as frustrated with the children as I do the parents who either do nothing or repeatedly say, “Don’t do that…” without putting any effort into it. Let me be clear: every kid will throw a fit now and then. (Ask my mother.) The problem is parents who do nothing about it.

A Bully Zone would be set aside for obnoxious parents. In an Ames restaurant one evening my wife and I witnessed a father incessantly berate his 6-ish son. The boy was not misbehaving; he was just being a kid. You could see the hurt in the boy’s eyes each time his father criticized him. I regret having been a wimp and not having had a few words with the abusive father.

There should also be a Profanity Zone for folks who can’t eat a meal without using profanity or blasphemy. (Full disclosure: when I hit my thumb with a hammer, “owie” is not the first word to come to my lips.) Most of us, however, can get through a meal without using the f-word or using God’s name in vain. Those who can’t should have their own zone … way in the back.

It would also be good for restaurants to have a Cheapskate Zone. People who refuse to tip or whose skimpy tips are insulting would sit in a separate section where they receive the service they pay for. You can argue all you want about the system of tipping, but the fact is most waiters and waitresses make a very small hourly wage and depend on tips to pay their bills and feed their kids. Hey, I’ve occasionally had poor service, too, but most of the time I am served very well. If they don’t like the Cheapskate Zone these folks should stay home or patronize fast-food restaurants.

You’ve got me on a roll now.

If the restaurant employs attractive young women as waitresses, they should have a Delusional Old Fool Zone. This is a zone for past-their-prime guys who think they’re still studs and put the moves on the pretty young waitresses thinking they have a chance of getting somewhere. In this zone wait staff is comprised of off-duty female Marine drill sergeants. Pinch their butts and you’ll be on yours in the parking lot.

Finally, restaurants should have Moocher Zones. This is an area for the cad who orders a meal and when it is three-fourths or more consumed finds something wrong with it and demands a refund or a free meal. Our son worked at a fast-food restaurant during high school and said this happens regularly.

Several years ago my wife and I witnessed a fellow finish his meal and then complain to the waitress that his sandwich did not have cheese on it as he had ordered it. He asked that the price of the cheese be refunded to him. With the proof of the matter inside the fellow’s ample stomach, the young waitress had no way of knowing if he was telling the truth. She left for a few moments and came back with some change. The cheese-less one disappeared without further complaint.

I’ll let you know if I hear from the ACLU.

Arvid Huisman can be contacted at huismaniowa@gmail.com. ©2023 by Huisman Communications.