×

Has the truth finally been told?

Country Roads

It was between doctor appointments (the only kind of appointments I have anymore.) I had ducked into a coffee shop for a few minutes of mental and physical relaxation.

A small, elderly woman ̶ stooped, gaunt and shabbily dressed ̶ approached my table and asked if I would buy her a cup of coffee. An easy mark when it comes to food, I bought her a cup of coffee and a bagel. Without invitation, she pulled out a chair and joined me.

I sat silently while she attacked the bagel. She obviously hadn’t eaten for some time. Picking up the last crumbs from the table, she said, “In exchange for your kindness, sir, I am going to share with you something that I’ve never told anyone.”

Oh boy, I thought, true confessions from a bag lady.

“Do you understand women?” she asked.

I chuckled. “Women remain a great mystery to me.”

“Then I shall explain why you men don’t understand women.”

I was ready for a joke, but she appeared serious. “Go ahead,” I said.

“The reason you men don’t understand women is because before they are born they go to Girl School in heaven and are trained in special skills.”

“Oh, come on,” I scoffed. “I believe in heaven but Girl School? That’s ridiculous.”

The old woman appeared hurt by my skepticism. “I’m serious,” she said. “This is something most other women don’t know, but I have been privileged with the information and I want to share it with you.”

I figured the old gal had been smoking ditch weed or something, but I mumbled, “Go ahead.”

“Does your wife ever roll her eyes when you’ve said or done something she thinks inappropriate or stupid?”

“Are you kidding? All the time! I’ve seen other women do it, too.”

“Eye-rolling 101 at Girl School,” the woman said with a smirk. “It’s a skill taught to undermine a man’s self-confidence.”

That was plausible, I thought, but…

“Have you ever been rendered helpless by a woman who turns on her charm?”

“Many times,” I laughed.

“Coquette 201 at Girl School; Flirt 101 is a prerequisite. A girl is taught the art of using feminine guile to get her own way.” Before I could respond she continued, “Have you ever been stopped in your tracks by a woman’s tears?”

“Oh man, I feel powerless when a woman cries.”

The old woman smirked. “Girl School ̶ year two!”

“So this school is in heaven?” I asked. “And God condones this?”

“God knew most men would be bull headed chauvinists so He decided to give women the tools they need to cope with them.”

“This is way too bizarre,” I said.

No longer troubled by my skepticism, the woman asked, “Can your wife read your mind?”

“Oh yeah,” I said. “While driving down a highway one day my wife and I argued about something. She refused to believe my arguments, but a few minutes later we passed a car that proved my case. I was gloating inside, but I said nothing. Within seconds I felt a slap on my arm. When I asked why she slapped me she said, ‘Because I know what you’re thinking.'”

The old woman smiled. “Mind Reading and Obedience Training ̶ both are first year classes at Girl School. Effective techniques, aren’t they?”

“Effective, but irritating.”

“How about around the house? Does your wife make you think there are some things she can’t do?”

“You mean like killing spiders and changing furnace filters?

“Exactly. God made women significantly smarter than men but to prevent men from taking advantage of them they are taught ‘Feigned Ineptitude’ in Girl School. A woman can do anything she sets her mind to, but her pretend incompetence prevents her from having to do everything. Besides, it makes you men feel needed. Right?”

You know, I thought, this old gal is making some sense, but…

Just then I felt someone slapping my arm and the old woman disappeared. I heard a weary voice saying, “Turn off the alarm clock! It’s time to get up.”

It all remains a great mystery.

Newsletter

Today's breaking news and more in your inbox

I'm interested in (please check all that apply)
Are you a paying subscriber to the newspaper? *
   

Starting at $3.46/week.

Subscribe Today