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What can be said of 2020?

It’s a brand-new year and we’re all hoping that 2021 will be a better year than 2020. The past year was rough and especially cruel. Nearly all of us have lost someone dear to the coronavirus.

In coming decades people will recount tales of the pandemic to grandchildren many times over. This is the year future years will be measured against.

I set out to write a tongue-in-cheek review of 2020 but came to realize there’s not much to say that hasn’t already been said. Or written. So rather than repeat, I will quote. The following are light-hearted observations of the heavy year just ended. Some of these go back to early in the pandemic. Attribution is given where the source is known.

“I survived the great toilet paper scare of 2020.”

“My life feels like a test I forgot to study for.”

“Years from now we are going to be like 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2021 and someone will say, ‘Hey wait, you forgot….’ And we’ll say, ‘Nope, we don’t talk about that one.'”

“If you wear jeans five days in a row they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight. Follow me for more quarantine life pro tips.”

“People are mad about not being able to go places. Please, I was grounded about 90 percent of the time between seventh and twelfth grades. I trained for this.”

“For the first time in history we can save the human race by lying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let’s not screw this up.”

“So far 2020 has been like looking both ways before crossing the street and then getting hit by an airplane.”

“If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be, I would have never guessed ‘teaching elementary school math.'” (Attributed to Simon Holland)

“All the kids who were taught common core math are about to learn ‘carry the one’ from their new homeschool teacher.”

“Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs: We roam the house looking for food, we’re told ‘no’ if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about car rides and walks.”

“I’m not saying I’m going to suck at homeschooling my kids but my daughter just asked, ‘Dad, what’s a synonym?’ And I replied, ‘It’s a spice.'” (Attributed to Joe Heenan)

“Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys from Wizard of Oz to show up any time now.”

“The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of ‘hindsight is 2020’ jokes next year.”

“My husband and I switched sides of the bed this weekend and that’s what we call ‘vacation’ now.” (Attributed to Ilana Glazer)

“I wish days of the week underwear were still a thing so I knew what the hell day of the week it is.”

“After years of swearing that I couldn’t clean my house because I didn’t have enough time, 2020 has proven that may have not been the reason.”

“If these past few weeks have taught us anything it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.”

“This is the longest something made in China has ever lasted.”

“What has COVID-19 taught us? Half our jobs can be done from home. The other half deserve more than they’re being paid.”

“Apparently referring to latex gloves as corona condoms is frowned up at work.”

“They say don’t hang out with 10 or more people. Crap, I don’t even like 10 people.”

“After watching how some people wear their masks I understand how contraception fails.”

“I’m not adding this year to my age. I did not use it.”

Of all the things I have seen written about 2020 the following sums it up best:

“When the COVID-19 horror is over and we return to our normal lives, never forget that during the crisis we were not desperate for lawyers, actors, athletes or reality television stars. We needed teachers, doctors, nurses, shop workers, delivery drivers and countless others who we usually take for granted.”

The past year has brought out the best (and worst) of our neighbors… and our shade-tree pundits. There’s nothing more for me to say.

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