It's me again. I still have the letter that Ernie the Elf sent last year telling me that I'm too old to write you every year and that I'm a waste of your time. Well, with all due respect, Sir, "phthtttt" to Ernie. I may have to grow older but I refuse to grow up!
So, how are you doing, Santa? I saw your photo in the newspaper a few days ago and you're looking well. Either Mrs. Santa has been busy in the kitchen or you've been spending too many happy hours at the North Pole donut shop. No offense, of course. Those pounds sneak up on the best of us.
How are all the elves? I see they're still wearing those same silly little uniforms. Don't you think that they'd enjoy more credibility if they wore something more contemporary and, to be blunt, more masculine? Maybe Ernie wouldn't be so uptight if he wore blue jeans and a sweatshirt.
And how are your reindeer doing? It continues to amaze me how you can get reindeer to fly around the world. The deer in these parts are pretty stupid. They do a nice job flying over harmless fences but once they get on a highway many stop and stare into the headlights of an 18-wheeler. Talk about "deerly" departed!
Do you have the sleigh all tuned up and ready for Christmas Eve? The last thing you want is a sleigh breakdown at 2 a.m. on Christmas morning. But then you probably never have to change a flat runner, do you?
Well, the usual purpose of a letter to Santa is to list the things you want for Christmas and I guess there are a few things that I've been wanting.
I don't wish to seem impatient, Santa, but this is the third consecutive year that I've asked for one of those radio-controlled military helicopters. A man my age wanting a toy helicopter may seem silly but it's a lot safer than many military toys. Just think of the trouble General Petraeus could have avoided if he had played with a radio-controlled helicopter instead of well, you know.
Santa, I think I'm ready for a Nokia Lumia 920. I read on the Internet that this is the most advanced Windows Phone 8 cell phone on the market. Frankly, it will probably take me a year to figure out how to operate it, but it would make me look younger. Younger folks will say, "Wow, look at that old man. He knows how to run a Nokia Lumina 920. He must be really cool!" You know, Santa, it gets tougher each year to look cool. I definitely need a Nokia Lumina 920.
Okay, Santa; brace yourself. I have a Super Request this year. I would like to have my very own soft-serve, self-serve ice cream machine. I know you have contacts around the world and can get your hands on a new ice cream machine.
While you're at it, I could use one of those "Blizzard" mixers, too.
Last request (for this Christmas,) I promise: I'd like a handgun and an NRA membership. Actually, I'm not much of a shooter and haven't done any pistol shooting since I was on the police reserve years ago. I'd just like to have a handgun and an NRA membership to prove a point. You don't have to be a shooter to stand up for the Bill of Rights. First Amendment, Second Amendment they're all important.
That's it for this year, Santa. I know you'll do your best.
When you stop by on Christmas Eve help yourself to some goodies. There's ice cream in the freezer and Diet Coke in the frig. (It's a balancing act you can eat more ice cream if you wash it down with diet soda.) Feel free to take some cookies for the reindeer.
Whatever you do, don't touch the chocolate covered cherries. They belong to my wife. You have been warned.
I don't want to belabor a point, Santa, but if you do bring me that radio-controlled helicopter you may go ahead and play with it. Just don't wear down the batteries; fresh batteries are hard to find on Christmas morning.
Give Mrs. Santa a hug for me and tell Ernie to chill out.
PS: I want peace on earth, too!