So I'm really bad at sports. There, I said it. I'm not ashamed to admit my inability to be coordinated, to stand up without falling or to not look awkward in general.
My face was usually wedged in a book during my school years, and if I had to participate in any sport, it could only involve running. I get the whole running thing, with getting from point A to point B. Got that. But even my sister will admit that she has asked me to throw a ball, one too many times, just so that she can laugh at me in jest.
One year, as a mascot for the Iowa State Fair, I even had to throw out the opening pitch at an Iowa Cubs game. So I made this elaborate sketch, just so the baseball barely had to leap two feet to the catcher's mitt.
So I'm always confused when Troy Banning asks me a sports-related question, and he is still in disbelief over my sports-dumbness. Once (just so I appeared interested), I asked him how the Iowa Hawkeyes win-dash-lose was. He blinked a few times and asked if I meant "record." I nodded, and he then just looked at me for a week like I was an alien.
And when I asked him if I can take over the sports page while he was on vacation, I shouldn't have been too surprised that he just laughed and laughed and that was the only response I got. I think I'd be a good sports writer. Really. I would really concentrate on the important stuff.
So I present to you, the rest of you out there, a faux write-up on a girls basketball. My experience for two weeks of practice on the seventh-grade girls basketball team should suffice.
Lions versus Falcons
(Headline: Falcons bite the heads of the lions, leaving them bloody and deranged)
There was this intensity brewing. Parents screaming. The smell of licorice and popcorn wafting through the air.
And the game started. RUMBLE , PLAY BALL, SWEET SASSY MOLASSEY. One girl, a leggy brunette, gets the ball. She bounces it, another girl, this one with a blonde ponytail, is trying to get it away from her. It's a fight. Especially for the blonde, as she seems to be fighting pit stains and very frizzy hair. The brunette, is looking quite put together in her bright green uniform. I would use the words snazzy and fabulous to describe the Falcons uniforms. Props to the coaches for picking them out. Oh, she tries to put the basketball into the basket on the other team's side. She misses. The other team, the ferocious mangy Lions, gets the ball. But I have to tell you, this team is looking a bit meek, more like scared kittens, to be exact. And seriously, do their shorts need to be that short? Not my style. And then this one girl, another blonde, takes the ball and starts to run. She's blocked by the mighty Falcons. She tries to pass the ball. She can't. She tries to look this way, and that. She seems scared. And then she ... OH NO SHE DIDN'T. One girl, from the Falcons, who I thought were pretty classy at first, just pushed her down. Seriously? I mean seriously? That was wrong. She should be pushed down. I mean I thought I was enjoying this game, but now, ugh, I think I will just watch the pep band. They are again playing, "Louie, Louie." They seem to be pretty on beat. Very catchy. Oh fine, back to the game. The referee just blew the whistle. The crowd seems a bit upset. So does the Falcons coach. He is wearing a black tie and a yellow shirt. Seems pretty put together but also very put off. I believe the whistle may have gone off so that we have some entertainment. That would be fun. No, I guessed wrong. The ref is penalizing the team. I bet for poor sportsmanship. I hope that girl is removed from the team. Don't get me started again. What? There is what? Three more quarters of this? I thought there was two. I'm really not enjoying the choice of basketball shoes on the Falcons. The Lions are going to be shooting the ball. While everyone watches. Nerve-wracking. It goes in! Finally. A point. 1-0. Now I see why people like these things. Not. I'm starting to wonder how long these games actually last. Or if they will notice if I cut out and pretend I was here.