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What does everyone want for Christmas?

December 21, 2009 - Troy Banning

If you’re like me, then you’re tired of answering the question. Because the simple truth is this: I have absolutely no idea what I want for Christmas.

            Seriously, it’s true. I cannot think of one thing that I have to have. I’ve got a radiant wife, Kelly, who looks just as fabulous pregnant as she does when she’s without child, and I’ve got a happy and healthy 3-year-old daughter, Taylor, who can hardly contain her excitement where a certain Mr. Claus (I hear he goes just by Santa) is concerned.

            Everything else is just window dressing.

            Oh sure, I could ask for another shirt...but do I really need it? If you read my column last year about Kelly’s slow and steady domination of our closet (the tank-top total has easily cracked 100, by the way), then you know there isn’t room for one more piece of clothing in my little corner.

            How about a DVD? I’ve got tons of ‘em already that I don’t watch. Unless it’s The Hangover, forget about it.

            I would ask for a book or two, but that would only infuriate Kelly. She has this hang-up on buying books when you can check them out for free at the library and, well...she’s pregnant. That’s the ultimate trump card when it comes to any debate or disagreement.

            In the past, I’ve tended to stick to the same presents over and over again rather than think outside of the box and go for something creative. Or maybe it’s just because I can never remember what I get from year to year.

            Case in point: my latest discovery. While going through the cabinet beneath the sink in my bathroom Sunday night, I noticed a trend. I am addicted to electric razors.

            Over the course of the past six or seven years, I have somehow managed to come into possession of not one, not two, not three...but FIVE electric razors. And these aren’t cheap knock-offs that come with a free bowl of soup either. We’re talking five Norelco electric razors, each with its nice features.

            I’ve got a razor that can be used in the shower. I’ve got another razor that came with a cleaning tank.

            Now here’s the sad and pathetic part of the story. For $50,000 and an all expenses paid trip to Acapulco, your question is this: What particular item did Troy recently order for himself? If you answered an electric razor, you would be correct.

            Go ahead. Say it. I already know it...I’m an idiot.

            I have no idea why I keep going back to the electric razor well over and over again. And the irony of it all is that if you often see me out at games, then you know I like to shave about as often as a 10-year-old likes to make a trip to the dentist.

            I detest shaving! My face hurts for days afterwards, and so I put it off until (a) Kelly gives me the big sigh and tells me to get my butt in the bathroom to shave, or (b) my face begins to itch so bad that the pain of the razor doesn’t seem so bad.

            Maybe this new electric razor will be different. Maybe I’ll like it so much that it becomes a daily ritual. Yeah, and maybe Tiger Woods will be named the 2009 Husband of the Year.

            Am I the only person out there who has this problem of asking for the same gift year after year after year? Or maybe I’m the only person willing to admit it.

            Come on, fess up. You’re guilty of this too, right?


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