Stupid is as stupid does

Country Roads

“If you can’t say something nice,” we have been told, “say nothing at all.” This is good advice, of course, but there are times when saying nothing at all simply doesn’t cut it.

Some people do some incredibly stupid things and it’s difficult to bite one’s tongue all the time. “Stupid is,” Forrest Gump said, “as stupid does.” Perhaps diplomacy is as important as silence. At least it would be less painful.

I chuckled at a list of tongue-in-cheek “diplomacies” I found on the Internet some time ago. The author of the list provided these much nicer ways of saying someone is stupid:

• He was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

• If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.

• He fell out of the family tree.

• The gates are down and the lights are flashing but the train isn’t coming.

• He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

• He got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.

• In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most.

• There’s no grain in the silo.

• His belt doesn’t go all the way through the loops.

Now, don’t judge me too quickly. If you think these “diplomacies” are a bit unkind here’s some evidence to support their use. The following examples of blatant stupidity were also found on the Internet.

• Police in Los Angeles found a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the suspect shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

• A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his underwear. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody.

• In Kentucky two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the ATM to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home with the chain still attached to the machine; with their bumper still attached to the chain; with their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.

• A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9,600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence in Texas. For payment, he provided the court a check ̶ a forged check. He got 10 years.

• A New Jersey man was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., and his wife was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m. the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

• Another New Jersey man broke into a New Hampshire home with the intent of robbing it. At some point, he came upon the refrigerator in which he found some leftover chicken wings. He ate the wings and then fell asleep in the guest bedroom where he was discovered and detained by the homeowner until police arrived.

• Finally, you can find stupidity in abundance on Facebook. Stupid Facebook post #1: “I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.”

Stupid Facebook post #2: “This elevator is so stupid it has a button for the floor I’m already on.”

Stupid Facebook post #3: “How did Beyonce’s album go #1 in 100 countries when there are only seven? Asia, Africa, Antarctica, Australia, North and South America and Europe.”

You have the right to remain silent but I’d say if brains were taxed these folks would get rebates.

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